This Is Me
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My name is Maria and I am 26. I live in Missouri with my fiance and 3 children. I am a stay home mother, and I plan to go to start nursing school in the fall. I would also like to further develop my Spanish speaking skiills, so that I can provide medical care for non English speaking immigrants. My fiance is a collections agent. He is also an artist and a very talented guitarist. I am an agostic pagan, and I am also bisexual

My "Story"


I was born in February of 1977...lived all my life in Missouri. My parents are still married, and I have a younger brother, Danny. I did not have a very happy childhood, although that was not the fault of my parents, it was my own fault. I've always been a little "unstable"... I have always known I was in some way "different". Mental illness runs in my family, as do nervous breakdowns and substance abuse. When I was very young, I realized I had obsessive compulsive disorder. This drove me to plan to commit suicide when I was about 7 or 8. I have always felt very depressed and very very guilty and ashamed. I have always had strange attitudes about sex, and I was confused about my sexuality from a young age.

I have never been without an eating disorder. Growing up I used food to make me feel better because I had a terrible relationship with my dad. (I know, sounds cliched, but it's true.) I used to eat mountains of macaroni and cheese, triple cheeseburgers as snacks, and mass quantities of desserts. I was 180 pounds by the 7th grade. I was teased and harrassed (verbally, physically and sexually) constantly throughout grade and middle school.

In high school I discovered drugs, alcohol and promiscuity which temporarily took my mind off my self hatred. When I was a teenager I ran away from home many times. I lived on the streets on and off for a year or so, and then I landed myself in drug rehab at the age of 16.

When I got out, I met Bobby (Jr), a guy I was in school with. We started seeing each other on September 21, 1993. I found out I was pregnant a few months later, but had a misscarriage. Immediately after that, I got pregnant with our son, Bobby the Third.

He was born November 5, 1994. Bobby and I were both 17. A month later, after Bobby (Jr) turned 18, we got married--December 28 1994. I was still 17. The three of us were living with Bobby's parents, which was an undescribeable nightmare.

On March 5, 1995, my grandmother, who helped raise me, passed away in the night. My mother inherited her house, and told me I could move in with my husband and son.

We had our ups and downs, like all marriages do. Most of it was my fault, I wasn't what you'd call a "faithful wife".

In the latter part of 2001, I met someone online (don't laugh!). His name is Jason, and he was going to school in New York. I left my husband, went to NY, and moved Jason here with me. This was a very turbulent time in my life. My family hated me, my husband was broken hearted... It was very very hard.

Slowly my family started coming around, when I admitted that what I'd done was wrong. Jason and I lived in a tiny apartment, because my mom had told my husband he could have the house, since I was the "cheater". As she and I began to reconcile, my husband began to act more and more like an ass. He got a new girlfriend, and was never around to see his kids.

In January 2003, after he'd trashed the house my mother let him live in, we told him he had to move out, and Jason and I moved in. We live here now, in my "old house", with my kids, and Bobby is staying with his girlfriend (I presume that's where he is). We don't see very much of him, and he pays very little child support.

My kids love Jason very much, and he loves them. We got married on January 7th, 2004.

My History With "Ed"


Anorexia Nervosa is an emotional disorder characterized by severe weight loss (or failure to gain weight in young people). Laymen may see it as "dieting gone wild." Individuals with anorexia nervosa have an intense fear of becoming obese, even as weight loss progresses.

Ana, my maker, my destroyer....

As I said before, I have never been a "normal eater". I was always very heavy growing up. When I was about 19, I decided I was really going on a "diet.

For over a year I didn't eat. Of course I ate SOME, but not much. I had met Ana, although at the time I didn't know her by name. All I knew is that I had decided to stop stuffing my face and get skinny. My metabolism was wrecked from years of disordered eating. When I stopped eating, I lost almost 150 pounds. I never really got down to "thin" but I was a hell of a lot smaller than I had been. I used to get up and work out for at least 2 hours. Then I would walk for another hour in the afternoon. I would eat almost no fat. Sweets consisted of fat free sugar free cocoa for 20 calories, or a diet frozen chocolate popsicle for 30... I lived off chicken broth and bagels picked apart into a thousand pieces. I drank 2 pots of coffee a day. I read "Wasted" (by Marya Hornbacher--READ IT) constantly, and wanted nothing more than to BE her. I ate vegetable sandwhiches and giant salads and drank gallons of water a day. For the first time in my life, I was beautiful. I was strong.

I was on an email list with other women trying to lose weight, a dieting list. I don't remember who it was who first told me I was anorexic. I would post my daily food and workout logs to the list, and one day some gal on the list emailed me and said "you're not on a diet, you're anorexic". I denied it, and she said "do you know the calories in everything? Do you starve yourself? Do you work out all the time? Are you terrified of gaining weight?" It was all true. I got scared. I wasn't just starving, I was puking up my food as well. This woman told me I was killing myself. Soon everyone on the list was "yelling" at me to EAT. They told me I should get some help. At first I refused to believe it was true, but when I took an honest look, I knew it was. I was anorexic, and I was scared.

I pushed Ana away, and my worst fears came true. I started eating "normally", I gained weight, I returned to being FAT. I realize now that there is no "normal" for someone like me. I am an extremist, it's everything or nothing at all.

I choose nothing.

I have to accept that I have never been able to eat like a "normal person". I also have to accept that Ana doesn't give up easily. I can't just "drop" my eating disorder--it's not like a "diet" that you can just "quit". It's like opening a Pandora's box--once it's let out, it's hard to put back.

So I accept that I have a tendency towards anorexia and bulimia AND compulsive overeating. All things concidered, I would rather be thin than fat. If I have to pick a disorder--and I guess I do--I would rather have one that leaves me beautiful instead of disgusting.

Ana changed me from fat, lazy and sad to somewhat stronger and more perfect. Sometimes I feel like I’m in love with her beauty, simplicity, control and discipline. Mia was Ana's backup. I never liked making myself puke, but sometimes we have to do things we don't like, for the greater good.

My sweet Ana is a faithful friend, but such a demanding lover. Ana racks you with sharp, unbearable headaches from lack of food. Ana blacks you out and makes you fall down. Ana tells you to "sit down before you drop dead". Ana tells you you're doing it right when the stabbing stomach pains force you to sit down and curl up in agony. Ana makes you who you are--strong, light and free. Ana makes you better than all of those mindless weak pathetic drones, shoving gruel in their mouths like pigs at a trough. Quite honestly I would rather die than be fat like I was before.